As much as we would like to avoid unpleasantness in our lives, sometimes it is
inescapable. Instead, we must learn how to grieve in healthy ways and work
through our difficulties. If you are wondering what you can do to help a
friend who is in intense mourning, here are some suggestions:
Recognize that everyone grieves at their own pace. Some progress
rather quickly, some move very slowly. We never move at the speed that
others think we should. Help us take one day at a time.
Keep us company and be there for us. You don't need to say
anything profound or do anything earthshaking. Often, your greatest help
is your quiet presence and simplest deeds.
Make suggestions and initiate contact and activities. It is
important for you to respect our privacy and give us some time alone, but we
also may not have the energy to structure our lives right after a traumatic
loss. We may have to rely on others to think of things that we don't know
to ask for.
Provide a
safe environment for us to show strong emotions. It may be very painful, but it can be of enormous help.
Help us
remember good things. Tell us your memories
of our loved one as you listen to us tell you ours. If we begin to show
our emotions outwardly, you have not
upset us, you have simply enabled us to be a bit more open in your presence.
Be there after the first wave is over. Make the effort to call, to
come by, to help us out six months and even a year down the road. Crowds may be
difficult for us. Shopping and holidays will be overwhelming. Offer
your help. If we're not up to a visit we'll let you know, but let us know
you remember and are there for us.
Listen to us. We need to tell our story over and over in order to
process our grief. We may even say outrageous things. Don't judge
us by what we say or how we feel. We have a lot to work through, and in
time we will come to the answers that are right for us.
Be careful of clichés, religious platitudes, or easy answers. You
may not be able to help us with certain issues right now, so don't be too quick
to share your opinions if we say something you don't agree with. We need
time to work things out on our own.
Be sensitive to our needs, be patient, have confidence and believe in
us. We will get better, we will experience healing; but it will take
some time, and it can be rough going for much of the way.
Be on the
lookout for destructive behaviors.
Traumatic loss can lead some people into depression, alcohol or drug
abuse. We may need you to keep an eye on us while things are especially
tough.
Help us find humorous diversion. Laughter is good medicine.
Be willing to do difficult things with us. We may need someone to
sit with us in court; we may need a safe place to rage; we may need help with the
funeral or afterwards. There may be some hard times ahead and facing them
alone can be terrifying.
Help us
find ways to bring good things out of the bad. It is important that our loved one be remembered and
memorialized.
Find out about grief. Read some of the books that are
available. The more you know, the better able you will be to help us.
Help us to find support and inspiration. Often, a poem or song
will speak to us in ways that no one else can. Also, talking to someone
who has survived a similar loss can help us to realize that we are not alone in
our grief.
We have to go through this valley in order to get to the other side. Dealing
with grief cannot be avoided or postponed. Grief can make relationships
difficult and you may get frustrated with us or feel uneasy around us.
But please remember that now, more than ever, we need the caring and patient
support of our friends and family. Help us get through this as well as we
are able. Your true friendship and companionship, your kindness and patience can help us get
our lives back together.
We will
experience some level of grief over our
loved one's loss for the rest of our lives.
Some days will simply be better than others. One day, we hope to reach a
point where our good days outnumber the bad. That will be a major
milestone for us.
Thank you for being here for us.
From What To Do When the Police Leave: A Guide to the First Days of Traumatic Loss
(3rd
Edition), by Bill Jenkins,
WBJ Press,
Richmond, VA, 20001