Grief Expectations

There is very little written about expectations in the life of a grieving person. The unrealistic expectations of ourselves and of others can greatly hinder the eventual readjustment for the bereaved. In wishing to "handle it better," we often keep expecting more from ourselves than is possible at this time. When we don't feel better or act better, and yet think we should, we become disappointed in ourselves. We have just expected too much of ourselves.

A timetable for grief may be part of the expectation. We read about stages of grief then panic that we aren't "where we should be."

Family and friends unwittingly place expectations on us. "It has been three weeks, three months and you must be better now"—"you must be back to normal." These expressed or even unexpressed, unrealistic expectations of others become a pressure one the bereaved.

After the shock and denial, the very pain‑filled reality hits. This grief is unbearable heartache and sorrow. Unbearable, yet we have no choice. We must go through it. Complicating this stage is the fact that most people expect that by now you are recovering, when in reality you are not. Talking about your feelings helps. Thinking them out is not enough, since usually grief feelings can't be intellectualized away or thought away. A common experience of many grieving people is that the people that we expect to be the most supportive often move away from us just when we need them the most. This bewildering phenomenon can be attributed in part to a general lack of knowledge of what grief is, leading to unrealistic expectations being placed on the bereaved person. Sometimes it is helpful to communicate about our loss with someone new, since some old friends often just want us to return to our selves again which is unrealistic on their part.

After the holidays or anniversary of the death, grieving people may expect that everything will be much better. It is not helpful to expect the new year to be much better. It may be more helpful to just consider January 1st the day after December 31st. Without such unrealistic expectations of the New Year, or the day after the anniversary, it may gradually become a time of healing and growth; not because we expected it, but because we did not have unrealistic expectations. It is important not to have a timetable for grief.

It will never be the same...

Unrealistically, we hope that things will somehow be the same...that our life—our family—will get back to "normal." As time goes on, we realize that it will never be the same. We will always miss our loved one who has died. At special holidays and family gatherings, there is always one person missing. Some family members and friends assume we are back to normal. They just do not understand.

Eventually life should get better

At first we are in shock—it is difficult to think clearly—to imagine that we will ever be able to function. When the reality "hits" we usually feel more devastated. It just seems that life will forever be like this. Some bereaved do stay at this phase. Most, with time and a great deal of effort, do get better. They recognize that life will never be the same, but the people in their lives become more treasured than ever. Many bereaved grow from their experience of grief—they reach out to others in need. Eventually, life picks up and goes on. The pain subsides. We can laugh, make plans, work, enjoy things, pray...in other words, become involved in life again. It doesn't happen overnight. It may take years. But we must hold on to hope and keep trying.

Take one day, one hour at a time